POSTED: The Home

(Signed: Kyla Lockheart = Rachel)

I started to aimlessly walk around the house after breakfast because quite frankly my room was depressing to me. I tried to open the window to let in some fresh air in to get the addict smell out of the room but once I started to yank at it the old wood started to splinter and crack so I gave up before I ended up breaking it and getting blamed for trying to escape.

There was no TV allowed in the rooms and I had no books so really all I could do was sit on the ledge of my window. Watching everyone walking in and out of the house leading a normal life It almost gave me hope but then I reminded myself how I got into this mess and I was back to being sure normal is a life I'll never have again.  Once you lose it the way I did you'll never look at life the same again.

All my clothes were still trashed around on the floor. I had absolutely no intention of picking them up anytime soon so I picked an outfit from the pile and stepped over the rest changing for a second time out of boredom.  I had to kick a pair of jeans clear across the room to open my door and walk out. A lot of the girls seemed happy, most of them hung out together. The whole house seemed filled with laughter. I actually liked the light mood of the house today as I explored the different areas.

"Don't be afraid to show your soul. No one can take your words from you. It's the greatest power you can have." A man passionately spoke to a small class of women. I stopped to glance in trying my hardest not to be seen or draw any attention to myself.  It must have been some sort of class for writing. I looked around the walls seeing a bunch of inspirational quotes scattered around. ‘Be Strong. Because things will get better, things might be stormy now but it never rains forever.'  'Remind yourself its ok not to be perfect' 'When the sun goes down the stars will come out'

"Hello there, Would you like to join us?" A gentle voice caught my attention; I hadn't even noticed I wondered into the class memorized by the quotes. Shaking my head I started to stumble to leave but the gentleman quickly handed me a binder of paper and a pack of pens. I smiled thanking him with my eyes he nodded going back to speaking to his class not pushing me to do something I was not ready for. That gesture alone actually made me want to do it.

I ended up finding a small patio off to the side of the house. It looked unused and abandoned. I could almost hear the chattering of the ghostly memories of it. As I approached it with caution looking for do not enter signs I noticed there was a beaten up broken chair off in a corner. I pulled it closer to the railing taking a seat watching the rain drip off the chipped beams, Listening to it dig and tap everything it touched. I closed my eyes for a moment feeling as if I was back at home on a rainy day. The rain was inspirational to me, it made my hand pick up and glide across the first blank sheet of paper.

It all started to pour out of me; all my thoughts and fears flooded this piece of paper. Everything I wanted to say, but couldn't, have found its way out. I might have been crying as I wrote but I was starting to feel a lot better.

The familiar sound of muddy boots breaking twigs approaching me made me  automatically shut the booklet quickly smearing away a few stay tears I saw Sgt Lahote soaking wet letting out a breath  relief when he seen me. Everything about him seemed calm, his eyes stayed on me; a hand reached for the railing and he took one long stride of a step still midway in the rain.

When his words finally found there voice I knew he was upset. I just had no idea why. Since last night I have followed all rules, even ate whatever it was that they called breakfast. Maybe Lahote just hated me for some reason. 

"You didn't even last a full 24 hours Black." I frowned not have a single clue what he was talking about I just looked away to ignore him. I didn't want to put up a fight today, I was tired and just wanted to relax here and enjoy the rain. "Do I look like a joke? Is this all a joke to you?" His voice crept closer I turned to see him towering over me his voice was angered but his face screamed worried. Water dripped from his hair rolling down his face to his chin onto my jeans.

My hand had a sudden urge to reach up cupping his cheek with the palm of my hand wanting to comfort him. His eyes closed for only a split second moving quickly away from me. I stood up leaving my pad of paper on the chair. "No I don't think this is a joke." My foot moved forward his stepped back.

"You don't get to do this." Lahote muttered putting his hands up like a shield from me.  A hand threaded through my hair confused as hell. "Do what? I haven't done nanything" Lahote’s eyes narrowed at me stiffing a laugh.

"No? You really want to sit here and lie to my face?"  Blinking rapidly I shook my head offended.

"What?" I spat out turning to grab my pad of paper off the chair. "Are you high Sgt Lahote? How am I lying?"  I sounded like a wounded animal the way he accusing me doing whatever he thinks I did actually hurt me considering I spent all day trying to do right. I even had plans to apologize for my behavior last night but I guess that was something he didn't want to hear either.

"You really are like the rest aren't you?" The question was rhetorical and I wasn't really sure it was directed to me but still I snapped. I don't know what he thought he knew about me but I was about to show him a side of me not many have seen.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" I yelled shoving him in the chest not giving a fuck who he was or what kind of control he held over me. "I have done nothing wrong! I woke up, I ate, I went to my one on one and I stayed here!" The desperation that leaked between my words scared me. I cared what he thought and I needed for him to believe me for someone to believe me.

"Seriously!?  You where here all day long?" He laughed out in total disregards for what I was saying as he pulled his phone out putting it on speaker. "Hey, what time was it that you said you seen Rachel Black?" He asked giving me a hard glare. I stood staring at the phone hugging the stupid pad of paper to me as I listened.

"Ugh fuck I don't know man, like 3. I'm pretty sure it was her."  Lahote brought the phone to his ear turning speaker off. "Sure and pretty sure are to different things did you see her or not!" He snapped keeping a close eye on me.  I gritted my teeth shaking my head hating everything about this probation officer. He had it out for me that much was clear to me.  When he hung up his eyes found mine. I could see an apology forming but I didn't want to hear it I slapped him instead, as hard as I could then sprinted off the deck into to the rain trying to make it into the house so I could try and call Jacob.

I hit an icy patch of grass slipping and falling on my ass I screamed angrily up into the sky throwing the notepad getting soaking wet not even trying to get up. I wanted to give up, doesn’t anyone get that? Lahote ran after me almost falling when trying to come to a stop.  His hand grabbed me by my forearm yanking me up effortlessly pushing me against the wall pinning my arms above me head while I tried with everything I had to fight him off.

"GET OFF ME! You're the reason I even want to use to begin with!" I screamed in his face trying to knee him but he kicked my legs open moving between them so I couldn't move. My chest was rapidly rising and falling against his, I was unable to move.  I had to give up fighting back. The deeper his eyes looked into mine the softer his grip became, I could have wiggled out of it and ran but I just started at him instead.

"So you admit you want to use?" He asked while his grip started to tense I sniffled unable to really tell if I was crying or if it was just the rain falling onto my face. "I have urges when I have bad days. In rehab they say they don't always go away." I muttered beginning openly honest with him, his head dropped letting out a muffled sigh. "I didn't go looking for it." He glanced up letting go of my wrist I guess trusting I wouldn't run.

"You wanted to use because of the way I treated you?" His question had a sad ring to it I felt bad but nodded. "Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me. This has never happened before, why now?"

I had no idea what he was talking about but I still answered him. "You are not listening to me. I know I am a job and a piece of shit for getting myself into all this but your acting like you know all my moves."

Sgt Lahote rubbed the stubble on his chin that looked like he hadn't shaved this morning; actually now that I look at him he had bags under his eyes and looked worn down.  "What’s going on out here?" I jumped hearing my brother’s voice automatically running into his dry arms that he wrapped around me tightly.

"Jakie!" I thought you weren't coming for a while!"  He grinned down at me pushing the wet hair out of my face before turning his glare to Lahote who stood silent over thinking about the conversation we were having.

I looked down not sure what to say when I noticed Jacob assisting the situation. "Why are your wrists red?" Jacob put a finger under my chin to look at him but his eyes where already on Lahote.

I didn't want to get him in trouble. " I fell on an ice patch."

"No tell him the truth, Rachel. I accused her of trying to score after one of my CI's mistaking ID her. She ran off I chased after her." Jacob put a hand up to stop Lahote from talking, my hand tugged on his arm to try to stop him but he shrugged me off. "That's doesn't give you any fucking right to lay a hand on her!"  Jacob barked out both of them eying each other.

"Jacob, I deserved it. I slapped him."  I ran between the two of them.

"She is my charge Jacob, She gets no special treatment." Lahote and Jacob both ignored me even with both hands out on each of there chests. Jacob pulled me to him looking down at me, trying to collapse any anger. "Why would you hit him Talo! For fucks sake what is wrong with you?" I shook my head losing my voice, hating to see him like that with me and not having an answer.

I heard Sgt Lahote sigh before forcing himself to speak. “I deserved it Lt. I accused her without making sure the ID was positive. It was a misunderstanding on both our parts and she was the one to eat the consequence." Jacob lifted a brow in his direction narrowing his eyes. "And what about Sgt Lahote? Are you going to be baring any consequence for her wrist?"

"Jacob, stop it!" I finally was able to speak up above a whisper. "You're blowing this whole thing up! This is why I have a hard time talking to you, please calm down!" Jacob turned to look at me frowning cupping my face in his hands letting out a loud defeated sigh.

"Jacob Black!" His head shot up like a dog hearing a whistle and he turned seeing someone behind him. I didn’t even try to see who it was. I avoided looking at Lahote again but still felt bad for my actions.

"I'm sorry." We both said at the same time making us both lightly laugh. I shook my head walking back towards him, as he tugged me under the bit of shelter there was from the rain. "I never gave you a chance, and for that I am sorry. It's just…"

"It’s just that I am a case, or a charge as you put it, I get it. You have to look at me a certain way to do your job. You're not my friend or therapist, you're the law. A line shouldn't be crossed, I am sorry."
Lahote looked at me, his eyes seemed to be searching mine and when he didn't correct me I left it as it was.

Jacob made his way back over to us shaking his head and ranting to himself about all parole officers being dick heads and he tossed an arm around my shoulder walking me back inside and to my room. "Get dressed in dry clothes and meet me down stairs Talo." He shut the door when he walked out, I peeled my drenched shirt off glancing out the window I seen Sue running off after Lahote who was about to get in his car. He was shaking his head and she looked like she was pleading with him to come inside. Sue of course won and Lahote came back to the house.

I quickly changed, running a brush through my hair trying to get the knots out, wondering what that was all about. I was sure it was about me and that he would also be waiting for me with Jacob but when I got down stairs, my PO was nowhere to be found. Jacob stood when I jumped off the last step smiling at me. "I thought you might want to see Dad since you haven't been since the funeral." Jacob sounded hopeful but that was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

"I can't." I mumbled like a child avoiding any eye contact with him.

"You can. You're allowed to go it will make you feel better I promise." He started to walk towards me but I shook my head. "NO Jacob, no I do not want to go."  I moved up a few steps I could tell he was confused as he tried to come closer to me.

"You need to come see him, he was a damn good father and you need to understand he is gone." Jacob tried to voice reason but I sat on the steps refusing to leave with him. "Talo. What happened why are you being like this? Dad never did anything to hurt you." Jacob knelt down in front of me speaking with caution caressing my cheek. "I know that. I am very aware that his is dead. You wouldn't understand." A barely audible whisper left my lips.  Jacob sighed sitting next to me but I inched away not wanting him to touch me. He sighed and inched away to give me space. "I'm just not ready ok? Please try to understand."

"I'm trying. I have been trying to understand since this whole thing happened but you won't talk to me, you wont open up to me like you used to. "Jacob complained sounding more frustrated I sat quiet trying to find a way out of this.

"Maybe it's just not easy to talk about for her without the emotion over taking her. Since the hospital she has people in her face every couple hours on her ass about how she feels and why she feels it. I think Rachel just needs a breather." I was completely shocked to see Sgt Lahote standing there, and even more surprised when Jacob stood up and agreed with him. Jacob kissed my cheek looked at me a long moment and smiled.

"I'll stop by soon and I am always a phone call away." Jacob said to me but gave Lahote a warning look just as Sue passed by trying not to notice us but I saw her grin suspiciously when she rounded the corner.
I smiled and nodded at him, Sgt Lahote took his seat clasping his hands together leaning in on his elbows. I didn't know if I should get up or say thank you.

"I wasn't being fair to you. You are supposed to trust me and be able to come to me if and when you get yourself into a jam. I guess you remind me of someone I once knew a long time ago and I took it out on you. I said no special treatment but I shouldn't treat you worst either." When he spoke he didn't look at me he was staring at the wall witch made me frown.

It was as if no one could really see me anymore. I felt invisible. I wasn't even worth to be looked in the eyes because of a few bad choices.  I was never one to sit back and let others treat me badly; I always made sure I was herd. So you tell me why now I feel like I don't deserve to be heard or seen for that matter. My arms crossed as I exhaled a sigh look through the stairs railing to the floor.

"You know I remember you in school, such a loud ass little girl." Paul laughed making my side glance over at him. It had been a while ago, but I still did not remembering seeing him around. "I am not a little girl anymore. But I am still loud. “I snorted a laugh at the double meaning. “You sure the fuck did grow up.” His deepened tone made me blush and look away fully from him.

"I don't remember seeing you, I am sure I would have noticed you." I finally looked over with crimson cheeks earning a grin from Lahote.

"No? I was the jock. Football, basketball..." He grinned trying to get me to remember I laughed covering my mouth nodding.

"Oh yeah you're the older boy to play with little Jakie!" I couldn't help but to laugh hard teasing him.

"Whoa hold on missy, we did not 'play' we worked on cars" He was laughing but I could tell his ego was kind of wounded.

"Same thing" I laughed harder at the look on his face, I laughed so hard my side started to hurt. I couldn't even remember when the last time I laughed this hard was.

"I don't know why you’re laughing so hard. For being a native, down to earth Talo, you were snotty as hell." I smiled trying to act offended. He went on making me smile wider. "Like oh my god, he actually thought I would date a guy like him. Yeah. Right. I totally laughed at him; I mean I do feel like bad but just eww."  His  mocking tone and over the top girly hand gestures made me laugh so hard I had to try to get up to pee but just couldn't fully stand. Lahote laughed but not as hard, he was just sitting there
looking at me with a hard chuckle.

"I don't think I sounded like that back then." I tried to defend myself, but I knew I was guilty. Lahote wined at me when my laughter finally calmed down. "Naw, you where the cool chick, girls wanted to be you and boys wanted to date you. No shame in that."

"And now?" I asked with a half a smile wanting an honest answer.

Lahote smiled leaning against the wall looking at me seriously before answering. "And now you're going to find your true self and learn to live a healthy life. No more hurting yourself. You have a lot of people who care."

My shoulders shrugged giving him a forced smile just as the lunch bell (which was Sue, literally ringing a bell) went off. Lahote grunted standing up. "I got to go check in on other cases and you have chores after lunch. Call me phone day or night if needed. If not I'll see you tomorrow. Stay out of trouble and don't keep so closed off. Talk to people. Make a friend. That's an order."

I stood up watching up hesitantly turn to leave. I was glad I got to see him as a person for a few minutes and not as Mr. Robocop. I rubbed my eyes ready for a nap but did what was expected of me instead of what I wanted and to be honest I think that was really a first for me.