POSTED: The Home

(Signed: Kyle Lockheart = Rachel)

Rachel
Chapter 1

“Rachel Black, Judge Harris will see you now.”  As my name was called by the desk clerk my eyes cut to Jacob who was sitting next to me with his head in his hands, disappointment running off him like rain off sleek leaves. When his eyes met mine he offered a forced smile of encouragement, affectionately slapping my knee as he stood waiting for me to follow. I swallowed hard telling myself to stand as they both watched me in silence waiting. I sat there trying to find some courage to stand on my own but my body suddenly weighed me down.

Taking a deep breath, Jacob walked back over to me offering me his hand helping me to my feet, both his hands gently rested on my shoulders, his knees bent so we were at eye level.  “I promise you it’s going to be ok. You just need to be honest. Ok Sis?” Even I could hear the doubt hidden in his throat behind his raspy whisper. All I could do was nod once; follow his lead in to the private courthouse.

My Lawyer was standing waiting for my arrival. I could feel everyone’s eyes bore into me making me anxious. I walked to my seat tugging at the collar of my shirt. My hands were shaking, my throat was dry all I could do was sit awkwardly. “On one account Forgery in the second degree, one count felony theft and possession of a controlled substance, one account petit theft misdemeanor, how does your defendant plea?” Judge Harris wasted no time proceeding. The room was dead silent with the exception of the legal aid typing all responses. My hands nervously twisted in my lap, my body started itching making me shift uncomfortably in my seat. Judge Harris’s eyes cut to me with a narrow glare silently telling me to settle down.  “Guilty, Your honor.” He paused for a moment looking down at me.  I looked up feeling both my lawyer and the judge’s eyes fall heavily on me.

“Ms. Black you understand the serious nature of your crimes?” His words made my stomach turn uneasy, I slowly stood. “Yes your honor, I do now.” I forced myself to mutter in a shaken tone. “Let the court show Ms. Rachel Black has entered her guilty plea on all accounts.” All I could think was, ‘fuck I am going to jail’. Jacob said this was a good lawyer but so far all he has done was shown I am a dirty druggy criminal.  

“My client is not a hardened criminal; she has not ever committed a crime until recently. As you can see by her file Ms. Black has always excelled academically. Her older Brother, Jacob black is a highly decorated detective in the La Push Intelligence Unit. Rachel has completed her mandatory 60 day rehab program with outstanding review. I would like to recommend Ms. Black be released into the custody and supervision of Jacob black. Mr. Black has expressed his deepest concerns and is willing to take full responsibility for his sister’s actions. He believes it is in her best interest that she is to be released to her family in her time of need.”

The Judge was over reading my file when the DA began to speak. “Your Honor, We recommend that Ms. Black not do hard time, but is not released into custody of her family as they had no idea of the seriousness of the nature of crime ms. Black was dabbling in. Rachel Back’s actions have shown a lack of self-control and rapidly growing addiction. When Ms .Black was found, she had two medical pads worth of filled prescriptions. The Doctors who worked on pumping Rachel Black’s stomach are baffled that she even lived to make it to the hospital.”  I could hear Jacob growl low from behind me as the DA spoke of me.  “Objection, Hearsay.” My lawyer stood in a snap with an outraged and demanding gesture towards the DA.

“Sustained. This is not a trial hearing; keep your argument to facts not of those that a witness is not present to validate.” The judge said in the direction towards the DA. “I have heard enough as it is. Ms. Black,” I stood back up when his attention was brought back to me. My chest was tight making it impossible to breathe with ease. “I am recommending you to the La Push Home for Women for the next 6 months. You will continue your therapy sessions; you are on probation for the next year. Once you get settled an officer will come to see to explain further. I do not want to see you back in my court house for another charge or allegation. Get your life back on track.”  I looked at the judge confused I nodded, but didn’t quite understand where he was sending me exactly. His gavel banged and that was it, everyone began to quietly file out of the court house. My Lawyer was smiling looking at me.

“Home for woman?” I questioned as he packed up his things. “Isn’t that like jail?” I asked upset that I was not going to go home. “No, it’s a halfway house for women who are in a similar situation as you. You can come and go freely but you have curfew among other rules.”  

“Rules?” I scoffed turning around to look for Jacob who was looking down on his phone texting. I couldn’t read his face. I watched for a few moments trying to pick up on if he was upset or relieved. “You are getting off with a slap on the wrist Rachel. If I were you I would be jumping for joy. You could have gotten up to 15 years for stealing the prescription pads alone.”

“Fine, I understand. Can we go get some real food before we go?” I asked as Jacob walked over shaking my Lawyers hand thanking him. Suddenly as they spoke I wasn’t there. Jacob seemed to have all the answers to questions about me. My Lawyer agreed with every word he said, they both lumped me in this category of drug addicts that did it for the hell of it. They spoke as if they knew why I did everything I did. Hell I didn’t even know why I let myself go out of control the way I did.

It all seemed to happen in a fast pace blur. I mean one minute I am standing over my late father’s coffin beginning for forgiveness and then the next waking up in a hospital bed with my arms restraint down to the bed, a pounding headache and only very  vague memories of the months between.   I had been studying for the Mcat while also working in Dr. Cullen’s office as a medical assistant. All my days ran together, I hardly had time to eat let alone sleep between school, Work, Studying. Jacob worked for days at a time between cases. We both took care of dad we had a strict schedule but we made it work.

When Dad passed away I was in my room studying, Jacob was home catching up on sleep. It was the first time we all were in the same house in weeks. The hardest thing for us both was putting him to rest, but at least Jacob put daddy to rest with a clear conscious. Mine on the other hand was not, but if Jacob knew he would kill me himself. I kept everything about that last day to myself which lead to sleepless nights, bad eating habits; I started to lose focus in class. I was a nervous wreck. Dr. Cullen noticed the change in my behavior he assumed it was me avoiding mourning my father and offered to prescribe me something to help relax me. He only wanted to help me, and considering that he refused to press charges I know he felt guilty for getting me started though it was entirely my fault.

The first pills I took where Lorazepam I remember lying in bed in for the first time in a long time I felt strangely at peace, everything was just suddenly ok.  I smiled thinking of my dad and didn’t feel so guilty. I actually got the sleep I needed and the next day I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day. Only by lunch time panic started to creep up on me.  I wave of reality hit me and I was all over the place again. As soon as I got home I took another pill and feel back into the state of peace and comfort. After that I was taking the pills two times a day until I ran out. Dr. Cullen did express some concern when I had told him I was out.  He mentioned that the bottle should have lasted me just over a month not weeks. Reluctantly he gave me another prescription and everything went downhill from there.  

Jacob had no Idea I was even taking anything, he just thought I was moving forward in life and was happy I was doing so. He would never question me even though there was a few times I suspected he was suspiciously watching my movements. Towards the end I was becoming extremely paranoid. I felt as if the world was watching me, as if they all knew my secret and were waiting for me to crack. I found myself taking two and even three pills at a time trying to get back the peaceful calm that I first got with the high. I was desperate to have the pills fix me without me doing any of the work.

Dr. Cullen cut me off, he said he felt I was losing site of the purpose of the medication and urged me to seek out help, to talk to someone about what I was feeling.   I heard every word he said and I knew he was completely right but refused to face my secret sober. I didn’t want to think about it, so why would I talk about it? Dr. Cullen truly trusted me, and even I don’t know why I stole that prescription pad. I knew it was wrong but that outweighed the overwhelming urges to feel normal, to have peace to not look in the mirror and hate myself.  I had gotten to a low point. Jacob was always busy with work that when he was home if I hide in my room long enough he would be off to the next case.  I ended up really feeling worse then I did in the beginning. I was always shaking, nervous, and paranoid. I would avoid any mirrors. I stopped showing up to class and work. I don’t even know what I really did in all that time.

One of the last things I remember was walking past my mirror, pure hate washing over me making my blood boil. When I saw myself looking back at me I screamed grabbed my cell phone and smashed the hell out of the mirror. Pieces flew around me, in my hair down my shirt in even my mouth but what caught my attention was my bottle of pills falling open to the floor spilling everywhere. I dropped to my knees not even caring the shards of glass where stabbing into me. I had lost all self-control. I started shoving pills into my mouth and before long falling back onto the floor. The peace I was searching over started to trickle over me, my breathing slowed and I could hear my daddy calling out my name everything got extremely hazy until it all faded into emptiness.

When I woke up my arms had been restraint down, there was a man standing guard by my bed side I had no idea where I was or how long I had been there. When I started to scream like I was being tortured a team of doctors ran in telling me to calm down that I was in a hospital, I had been admitted after a drug overdose and I was reentrant because apparently and I do not remember this but I had woken up twice before and went on a rampage trying to hurt myself. I was told I kept screaming out for god to bring my father back and demanding he end my life because he knew I didn’t deserve to live.

I had begun to pull on the restraints demanding I be let go crying about them holding me against my will. It’s when I noticed Jacob was standing off in the corner with a hand over his mouth tears filling the rims of his eyes as he helplessly watched that calmed me down. The look in his eyes was devastating to me. All I could do was sob. I was embarrassed he had seen me like this. He looked at me as if I was a total stranger.

They ended up putting me on a 72 hour mental health hold, and after I was cleared there, Jacob shipped me off to a rehab where I learned there was felony charges brought against me by the state. Jacob came after the first 30 days to visit but it took me awhile to even be able to look at him. He still doesn’t know everything even though my therapist has been encouraging me to bring him into sessions to talk to him about it all. I just wasn’t there yet. I need my brother and if he knew the truth he would never want to see me again.

“Hey look, it doesn’t look so bad from the outside. It’s real nice compared to our house.” Jacobs’s voice broke my train of thought as we pulled up to the home. I looked over at him nervously; this time when he smiled it was real. I took a deep breath and nodded trying to keep the mood light. “Yeah I bet the walls are not as thin I won’t have to wear ear plugs to keep from hearing you snore all night.” I couldn’t help but to laugh a little opening my car door. “Me?” Jacob snorted a laugh “Baby Sis you get woken up by your own snores” He laughed out opening the truck to his car getting my luggage out. I smiled at him looking at the house where I will be staying.

A few of the girls sitting around the front porch all turned to watch us as if we were escaped zoo animals.  I walked back around the car to Jacob just about to beg for him to get me out of here when I heard a soft voice come up from behind us. “Hello and Welcome to La Push home for Woman; I am your house mother, Sue Clearwater.”

“Hello Mrs. Clearwater my name is Jacob and this is my sister Rachel.”  Jacob said with a shit eating grin shaking her hand. I stayed where I was and just waved to her. Jacob furrowed his eyes disapprovingly at me so I swallowed my tentativeness and walked over shaking her hand. “It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Clearwater.” I said sticking my hand out to shake hers but she grabbed it and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back. “Please, call me Sue sweetheart. I am here as your friend not probation officer. He will be here a little later after we get you settled in.” her hug was warm and welcoming I don’t know why I felt as though I have known her in another life but I was suddenly thankful to be where I was.

“Come along now, Jacob you can bring Rachel’s things up with us. I’ll show you to the room and then around the house.” Sue held my hand, walking towards the house she gave one look to the other girls and they all scattered. I looked back to see Jacob right behind me before tripping over the doorway stumbling in the house.

“Careful there is a step there.” Sue teased heading towards the stairs, I could hear Jacob chuckle low. I narrowed my eyes at him daring to tease me right now. He just winked and nodded for me to follow. I started up the stairs looking around at how plan everything was I sucked a breath through my teeth shaking my head as my eyes scanned. “So like are we not allowed to be colorful? I am not dying my hair to some boring brown. “

“Rachel do you honestly think you’ll get a job with a rainbow of a hairstyle?” Jacob said just as Sue stopped in front of a door. “I think your hair is pretty, you can keep it the way it is. But this is a home of recovery.  Your focus should be on your health not what is on the walls sweetie. “Sue said with a genuine smile. Jacob walked passed me tugging at my hair, I swatted his hand away fixing my hair walking into the room. It was all white; White walls, white sheets, plain boring all white. It was like the rehab center and smelled frankly worst too. “You may decorate as you wish; But nothing permanent; No paint, no holes in the wall. Go ahead and clean up get settled in. Our first group meeting is tonight, after dinner. Dinner is at 7 pm. Curfew is at 6:30pm. We do a bed check at 8pm. If you are not in your bedroom by then you will be reported as missing and your privileges revoked. The rest of the rules will be given out during our meeting. I will let you two say your goodbyes.” With that she left the room.

Jacob sat down on the bed I stood in front of him. It’s really the first time we have been alone since my melt down. I looked down at my feet kicking around an imaginary rock. “You know I love you Rachel, right?” He mumbled looking down at his own feet.

I let out a long sigh sitting beside him laying my head on his shoulder. “Yeah I know. I am sorry about all this. I know it must be embarrassing for you with work and all.” I mumbled back, Jacob put an arm over my shoulders shaking his head before leaning his cheek against the top of my head. “No. What it is, is scary. I thought I lost you like we lost dad. “I could hear his tone crack unevenly. I couldn’t say anything back we just sat there in silence.  We could have sat here like that forever but Jacob’s phone went off and that was his queue to leave. “I’ll come by in a few days after you get settled in ok?” He said giving me his famous brother bear hug.

I hanged on to him a moment longer before letting him go. “Yeah ok, I’ll be here.” I said sarcastically, Jacob kissed my cheek messing up the top of my hair then walked out shutting the door behind him.

Just like that I was left alone, I let out a loud sigh falling back on the bed looking up at the ceiling twirling a stain of hair in my finger bored out of my mind and I have only been here all of ten minutes. Rubbing my face I kicked off my shoes to get comfortable hearing a loud ringing noise like some sort of bell. I assumed it was the dinner bell but decided to skip dinner tonight. I wasn’t feeling like having a bunch of people staring at me like some puppy in a window. The thought made me think of my childhood when Dad would take Jacob and me fishing. The drive over dad would always sing that song to us. Jacob always made the barking noise to be funny. I started to hum it, then softly sing it to myself. “How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the wagging tail. How much is that doggy in the window? I do hope he is for sale.” I ended up singing myself into a deep sleep dreaming of an easier time.