(Signed: Kyle Lockheart = Rachel)
Rachel
Chapter 1
“Rachel Black, Judge Harris will
see you now.” As my name was called by the desk clerk my eyes cut to
Jacob who was sitting next to me with his head in his hands, disappointment
running off him like rain off sleek leaves. When his eyes met mine he offered a
forced smile of encouragement, affectionately slapping my knee as he stood
waiting for me to follow. I swallowed hard telling myself to stand as they both
watched me in silence waiting. I sat there trying to find some courage to stand
on my own but my body suddenly weighed me down.
Taking a deep breath, Jacob walked
back over to me offering me his hand helping me to my feet, both his hands
gently rested on my shoulders, his knees bent so we were at eye level. “I
promise you it’s going to be ok. You just need to be honest. Ok Sis?” Even I
could hear the doubt hidden in his throat behind his raspy whisper. All I could
do was nod once; follow his lead in to the private courthouse.
My Lawyer was standing waiting for
my arrival. I could feel everyone’s eyes bore into me making me anxious. I
walked to my seat tugging at the collar of my shirt. My hands were shaking, my
throat was dry all I could do was sit awkwardly. “On one account Forgery in the
second degree, one count felony theft and possession of a controlled substance,
one account petit theft misdemeanor, how does your defendant plea?” Judge
Harris wasted no time proceeding. The room was dead silent with the exception
of the legal aid typing all responses. My hands nervously twisted in my lap, my
body started itching making me shift uncomfortably in my seat. Judge Harris’s
eyes cut to me with a narrow glare silently telling me to settle down.
“Guilty, Your honor.” He paused for a moment looking down at me. I
looked up feeling both my lawyer and the judge’s eyes fall heavily on me.
“Ms. Black you understand the
serious nature of your crimes?” His words made my stomach turn uneasy, I slowly
stood. “Yes your honor, I do now.” I forced myself to mutter in a shaken tone.
“Let the court show Ms. Rachel Black has entered her guilty plea on all
accounts.” All I could think was, ‘fuck I
am going to jail’. Jacob said this was a good lawyer but so far all he has
done was shown I am a dirty druggy criminal.
“My client is not a hardened criminal;
she has not ever committed a crime until recently. As you can see by her file
Ms. Black has always excelled academically. Her older Brother, Jacob black is a
highly decorated detective in the La Push Intelligence Unit. Rachel has
completed her mandatory 60 day rehab program with outstanding review. I would
like to recommend Ms. Black be released into the custody and supervision of
Jacob black. Mr. Black has expressed his deepest concerns and is willing to
take full responsibility for his sister’s actions. He believes it is in her
best interest that she is to be released to her family in her time of need.”
The Judge was over reading my file
when the DA began to speak. “Your Honor, We recommend that Ms. Black not do
hard time, but is not released into custody of her family as they had no idea
of the seriousness of the nature of crime ms. Black was dabbling in. Rachel
Back’s actions have shown a lack of self-control and rapidly growing addiction.
When Ms .Black was found, she had two medical pads worth of filled prescriptions.
The Doctors who worked on pumping Rachel Black’s stomach are baffled that she
even lived to make it to the hospital.” I could hear Jacob growl low from
behind me as the DA spoke of me. “Objection, Hearsay.” My lawyer stood in
a snap with an outraged and demanding gesture towards the DA.
“Sustained. This is not a trial hearing;
keep your argument to facts not of those that a witness is not present to
validate.” The judge said in the direction towards the DA. “I have heard enough
as it is. Ms. Black,” I stood back up when his attention was brought back
to me. My chest was tight making it impossible to breathe with ease. “I am
recommending you to the La Push Home for Women for the next 6 months. You will
continue your therapy sessions; you are on probation for the next year. Once
you get settled an officer will come to see to explain further. I do not want
to see you back in my court house for another charge or allegation. Get your
life back on track.” I looked at the judge confused I nodded, but didn’t
quite understand where he was sending me exactly. His gavel banged and that was
it, everyone began to quietly file out of the court house. My Lawyer was
smiling looking at me.
“Home for woman?” I questioned as
he packed up his things. “Isn’t that like jail?” I asked upset that I was not
going to go home. “No, it’s a halfway house for women who are in a similar
situation as you. You can come and go freely but you have curfew among other
rules.”
“Rules?” I scoffed turning around
to look for Jacob who was looking down on his phone texting. I couldn’t read
his face. I watched for a few moments trying to pick up on if he was upset or
relieved. “You are getting off with a slap on the wrist Rachel. If I were you I
would be jumping for joy. You could have gotten up to 15 years for stealing the
prescription pads alone.”
“Fine, I understand. Can we go get
some real food before we go?” I asked as Jacob walked over shaking my Lawyers
hand thanking him. Suddenly as they spoke I wasn’t there. Jacob seemed to have
all the answers to questions about me. My Lawyer agreed with every word he
said, they both lumped me in this category of drug addicts that did it for the
hell of it. They spoke as if they knew why I did everything I did. Hell I
didn’t even know why I let myself go out of control the way I did.
It all seemed to happen in a fast
pace blur. I mean one minute I am standing over my late father’s coffin
beginning for forgiveness and then the next waking up in a hospital bed with my
arms restraint down to the bed, a pounding headache and only very vague
memories of the months between. I had been studying for the Mcat
while also working in Dr. Cullen’s office as a medical assistant. All my days
ran together, I hardly had time to eat let alone sleep between school, Work,
Studying. Jacob worked for days at a time between cases. We both took care of
dad we had a strict schedule but we made it work.
When Dad passed away I was in my
room studying, Jacob was home catching up on sleep. It was the first time we
all were in the same house in weeks. The hardest thing for us both was putting
him to rest, but at least Jacob put daddy to rest with a clear conscious. Mine
on the other hand was not, but if Jacob knew he would kill me himself. I kept
everything about that last day to myself which lead to sleepless nights, bad
eating habits; I started to lose focus in class. I was a nervous wreck. Dr. Cullen
noticed the change in my behavior he assumed it was me avoiding mourning my
father and offered to prescribe me something to help relax me. He only wanted
to help me, and considering that he refused to press charges I know he felt
guilty for getting me started though it was entirely my fault.
The first pills I took where
Lorazepam I remember lying in bed in for the first time in a long time I felt
strangely at peace, everything was just suddenly ok. I smiled thinking of
my dad and didn’t feel so guilty. I actually got the sleep I needed and the
next day I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day. Only by lunch time
panic started to creep up on me. I wave of reality hit me and I was all
over the place again. As soon as I got home I took another pill and feel back
into the state of peace and comfort. After that I was taking the pills two
times a day until I ran out. Dr. Cullen did express some concern when I had
told him I was out. He mentioned that the bottle should have lasted me
just over a month not weeks. Reluctantly he gave me another prescription and
everything went downhill from there.
Jacob had no Idea I was even taking
anything, he just thought I was moving forward in life and was happy I was
doing so. He would never question me even though there was a few times I
suspected he was suspiciously watching my movements. Towards the end I was
becoming extremely paranoid. I felt as if the world was watching me, as if they
all knew my secret and were waiting for me to crack. I found myself taking two
and even three pills at a time trying to get back the peaceful calm that I
first got with the high. I was desperate to have the pills fix me without me
doing any of the work.
Dr. Cullen cut me off, he said he
felt I was losing site of the purpose of the medication and urged me to seek
out help, to talk to someone about what I was feeling. I heard
every word he said and I knew he was completely right but refused to face my
secret sober. I didn’t want to think about it, so why would I talk about it?
Dr. Cullen truly trusted me, and even I don’t know why I stole that
prescription pad. I knew it was wrong but that outweighed the overwhelming
urges to feel normal, to have peace to not look in the mirror and hate myself.
I had gotten to a low point. Jacob was always busy with work that when he
was home if I hide in my room long enough he would be off to the next case.
I ended up really feeling worse then I did in the beginning. I was always
shaking, nervous, and paranoid. I would avoid any mirrors. I stopped showing up
to class and work. I don’t even know what I really did in all that time.
One of the last things I remember
was walking past my mirror, pure hate washing over me making my blood boil.
When I saw myself looking back at me I screamed grabbed my cell phone and
smashed the hell out of the mirror. Pieces flew around me, in my hair down my
shirt in even my mouth but what caught my attention was my bottle of pills
falling open to the floor spilling everywhere. I dropped to my knees not even
caring the shards of glass where stabbing into me. I had lost all self-control.
I started shoving pills into my mouth and before long falling back onto the
floor. The peace I was searching over started to trickle over me, my breathing
slowed and I could hear my daddy calling out my name everything got extremely
hazy until it all faded into emptiness.
When I woke up my arms had been
restraint down, there was a man standing guard by my bed side I had no idea
where I was or how long I had been there. When I started to scream like I was
being tortured a team of doctors ran in telling me to calm down that I was in a
hospital, I had been admitted after a drug overdose and I was reentrant because
apparently and I do not remember this but I had woken up twice before and went
on a rampage trying to hurt myself. I was told I kept screaming out for god to
bring my father back and demanding he end my life because he knew I didn’t
deserve to live.
I had begun to pull on the
restraints demanding I be let go crying about them holding me against my will.
It’s when I noticed Jacob was standing off in the corner with a hand over his
mouth tears filling the rims of his eyes as he helplessly watched that calmed
me down. The look in his eyes was devastating to me. All I could do was sob. I
was embarrassed he had seen me like this. He looked at me as if I was a total
stranger.
They ended up putting me on a 72
hour mental health hold, and after I was cleared there, Jacob shipped me off to
a rehab where I learned there was felony charges brought against me by the
state. Jacob came after the first 30 days to visit but it took me awhile to
even be able to look at him. He still doesn’t know everything even though my
therapist has been encouraging me to bring him into sessions to talk to him
about it all. I just wasn’t there yet. I need my brother and if he knew the
truth he would never want to see me again.
“Hey look, it doesn’t look so bad
from the outside. It’s real nice compared to our house.” Jacobs’s voice broke
my train of thought as we pulled up to the home. I looked over at him
nervously; this time when he smiled it was real. I took a deep breath and
nodded trying to keep the mood light. “Yeah I bet the walls are not as thin I
won’t have to wear ear plugs to keep from hearing you snore all night.” I
couldn’t help but to laugh a little opening my car door. “Me?” Jacob snorted a
laugh “Baby Sis you get woken up by your own snores” He laughed out opening the
truck to his car getting my luggage out. I smiled at him looking at the house where
I will be staying.
A few of the girls sitting around
the front porch all turned to watch us as if we were escaped zoo animals.
I walked back around the car to Jacob just about to beg for him to get me
out of here when I heard a soft voice come up from behind us. “Hello and
Welcome to La Push home for Woman; I am your house mother, Sue Clearwater.”
“Hello Mrs. Clearwater my name is Jacob
and this is my sister Rachel.” Jacob said with a shit eating grin shaking
her hand. I stayed where I was and just waved to her. Jacob furrowed his eyes
disapprovingly at me so I swallowed my tentativeness and walked over shaking
her hand. “It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Clearwater.” I said sticking my hand out
to shake hers but she grabbed it and pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back. “Please,
call me Sue sweetheart. I am here as your friend not probation officer. He will
be here a little later after we get you settled in.” her hug was warm and
welcoming I don’t know why I felt as though I have known her in another life
but I was suddenly thankful to be where I was.
“Come along now, Jacob you can
bring Rachel’s things up with us. I’ll show you to the room and then around the
house.” Sue held my hand, walking towards the house she gave one look to the
other girls and they all scattered. I looked back to see Jacob right behind me
before tripping over the doorway stumbling in the house.
“Careful there is a step there.”
Sue teased heading towards the stairs, I could hear Jacob chuckle low. I
narrowed my eyes at him daring to tease me right now. He just winked and nodded
for me to follow. I started up the stairs looking around at how plan everything
was I sucked a breath through my teeth shaking my head as my eyes scanned. “So
like are we not allowed to be colorful? I am not dying my hair to some boring
brown. “
“Rachel do you honestly think
you’ll get a job with a rainbow of a hairstyle?” Jacob said just as Sue stopped
in front of a door. “I think your hair is pretty, you can keep it the way it
is. But this is a home of recovery. Your focus should be on your health
not what is on the walls sweetie. “Sue said with a genuine smile. Jacob walked
passed me tugging at my hair, I swatted his hand away fixing my hair walking
into the room. It was all white; White walls, white sheets, plain boring all
white. It was like the rehab center and smelled frankly worst too. “You may
decorate as you wish; But nothing permanent; No paint, no holes in the wall. Go
ahead and clean up get settled in. Our first group meeting is tonight, after
dinner. Dinner is at 7 pm. Curfew is at 6:30pm. We do a bed check at 8pm. If
you are not in your bedroom by then you will be reported as missing and your
privileges revoked. The rest of the rules will be given out during our meeting.
I will let you two say your goodbyes.” With that she left the room.
Jacob sat down on the bed I stood
in front of him. It’s really the first time we have been alone since my melt
down. I looked down at my feet kicking around an imaginary rock. “You know I
love you Rachel, right?” He mumbled looking down at his own feet.
I let out a long sigh sitting
beside him laying my head on his shoulder. “Yeah I know. I am sorry about all
this. I know it must be embarrassing for you with work and all.” I mumbled
back, Jacob put an arm over my shoulders shaking his head before leaning his
cheek against the top of my head. “No. What it is, is scary. I thought I lost
you like we lost dad. “I could hear his tone crack unevenly. I couldn’t say
anything back we just sat there in silence. We could have sat here like
that forever but Jacob’s phone went off and that was his queue to leave. “I’ll
come by in a few days after you get settled in ok?” He said giving me his
famous brother bear hug.
I hanged on to him a moment longer
before letting him go. “Yeah ok, I’ll be here.” I said sarcastically, Jacob
kissed my cheek messing up the top of my hair then walked out shutting the door
behind him.
Just like that I was left alone, I let out a loud sigh falling back on the bed looking up at the ceiling twirling a stain of hair in my finger bored out of my mind and I have only been here all of ten minutes. Rubbing my face I kicked off my shoes to get comfortable hearing a loud ringing noise like some sort of bell. I assumed it was the dinner bell but decided to skip dinner tonight. I wasn’t feeling like having a bunch of people staring at me like some puppy in a window. The thought made me think of my childhood when Dad would take Jacob and me fishing. The drive over dad would always sing that song to us. Jacob always made the barking noise to be funny. I started to hum it, then softly sing it to myself. “How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the wagging tail. How much is that doggy in the window? I do hope he is for sale.” I ended up singing myself into a deep sleep dreaming of an easier time.
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